The Revolt of the Oyster

"The Revolt of the Oyster" is a short story by Don Marquis, published in a 1922 short story collection of the same name. It is a comedic story of a battle between a primitive human and an oyster for evolutionary supremacy.

Plot
Living in a tree hut near the sea, the primitive human Probably Arboreal overhears a marital argument of his neighbor's about their son picking things up with his feet, which his mother finds disgusting. Heading down to the sea, Probably is hit with a clod of sand by Parrot Feathers, and they begin fighting each other, which in their society is flirting. Her father, Crooked Nose, demands Probably marry his daughters after lowering her value by injuring her. He gets into a fight with Crooked, and kills him, then asking Feathers to marry him, but is rejected.

Probably heads to the sea, where he fishes with his hands. His foot is grabbed by something, and his neighbors leave the sea and abandon him to his fate, but stay him be dragged away. Probably realizes he isn't being dragged deeper, and Big Mouth sings a song about Crooked's ghost taking revenge on Probably, but Probably maintains he's merely been caught by an animal. As more spectators are drawn by Big Mouth's song, Probably lifts his out of the water, showing that he has been caught by a gigantic oyster. Big Mouth is killed by Slightly Simian after refusing to change his song to reflect that it is an oyster rather than a ghost.

The humans wonder whether the oysters are rising against humanity, and have the feeling that this is a momentous battle. Hundreds of oysters rise from the sea to watch the battle as well, but neither side aids either combatant. Unknown to any present, the battle will determine whether human or oyster becomes the dominant species of Earth. Probably makes some distance to the shore, but falters and goes under, when Parrot cries out for him not to give up. She tells him to grab the oyster and roll to shore, and Probably takes the chance, and makes it to shore. The oysters leave defeated, and Parrot knocks the oyster off Probably's foot, crushing his toe, which he puts in his mouth. After tasting an oyster for the first time, humanity descends upon them for food. Probably marries Parrot, and their children, rather than having claw-like nails, have flat "oyster" nails, which persist into the present day.

Characters

 * Probably Arboreal, the protagonist and unwitting champion of humanity.
 * Slightly Simian, Probably Arboreal's neighbor, in an unhappy marriage, made to feel ashamed of his primitive habits.
 * Parrot Feathers, an unmarried woman who decorates her hair with green feathers.
 * Crooked Nose, father of Parrot Feathers, killed by Probably.
 * Big Mouth, a poet, killed by Simian.